Every Gump Needs a Bench

So as some of you know, a couple of weeks ago, we a had lot of rain in the area and it was wet and muddy everywhere.  I picked up the bus at the Park & Ride and talked to Bus Gump.  He has a messed up leg and he said that it was hurting him.  He said he wished we had a bench and then he sat down on the cold wet muddy ground.  I told him he should e-mail the City Transit folks and ask for a bench.  He said, "They don't care about us cripples."  I called and e-mailed the Transit folks and they put a bench out for him yesterday.

I wanted to keep my involvement a secret for a couple of reasons.  One, That is what my dad would do, and two, I don't want Bus Gump to start trying to be best friends.  I want to stay back as an observer on the bus.  I don't want to get too close.  Anyway, I only told Curley (aka Frizzy Hair) because she was thinking about getting her daughter's Girl Scout troop to build a bench for him.  Well, she gets on and says "Did you see your Bench?  That is so awesome!"  Oh no!  I've been outed!  Bus Gump gets on and hobbles back,  "Did you get me that bench?  Was it a gift for me?  Oh, it's for everybody?  Thank you so much.  That was really nice of you, sir.  I really appreciate it."  Oh, well.  That wasn't so bad.  Every Gump needs a bench, anyway. 

I can see it now, "Life is like a Metallica Mix Tape.  Hey do you lie Ramstein?  How does their music make you feel?  Does it make you angry?  Sarah Jessica Parker is a slut.  I used to to worship the devil and...." 

Gump and the City or Bus Swan

So Bus Gump gets on the bus and turns to me and says:

• Have you ever watched Sex and the City?  It's a bunch of women whoring around and buying dresses.  I don't like that Parker.  She is a slut.  Have you watched it before?  Is it funny?  So is it just a bunch of women looking for men to be whores with?  Is Parker the biggest whore?  I don't like her.  She is a slut.  She turns me off."
• "Have you seen Black Swan.  That movie is sick.  I read the book and it was a really good book.  Do you like ballerinas?  Why not?  Do they turn you off?  You don't like it when they just spin around?  Would you rather watch them or sports?  Would you pay thousands of dollars to watch ballerinas?  What if they were dressed up like princesses?  Like the Nutcracker.  Do you like Tchaikovsky?  So you don't like this song, doo doo doo doop doot doot doot do da doo doodle doop?  If I kept singing that, would it drive you nuts?"
• To the bus driver, "Are you responsible for my safety?  Do you ever have to tell people to sit down?  Buses can be dangerous, right.  Is that because they are so much bigger than us?  Working on a bus is a lot work, isn't it?  Thank you for driving me."

He gets off of the bus at the tranist station each day to hop a transfer bus.  It can be a rough place and I have often worried about his safety depite his prowess at being a gangsta.  Today, I think I discovered how he does it.  He always takes off his sweatshirt or jacket before he gets off of the bus even when it is freezing cold.  Today I noticed that he just stood there after he got off of the bus going "Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk!" like a goose as loud as he could.  He must turn up the crazy dial so that the bus station dregs will leave him alone.  Pretty clever, Gumpster.

Bus Gump Politics and Helter Skelter

Bus Gump had a lot of good quotes today. 

• "Did you get that music for me?  You can just give me that Metallica if you are busy." 
• After asking my party afiliation (Republican), he said, "Yeah, me too.  I hate Obama.  He's an asshole.  All he does is sit on his ass and smoke cigarettes."
• "Have you got a dollar?"
• "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at my group home manager.  All she does is boss people around.  She's a black lady.  She's so bossy.  Always telling me what to do.  How was I supposed to know that the dishes were already washed?  And she gets all mad at me for wasting water.  She is a bitch!  I hate crones!  The only crone I like is a certain witch."
• I'm reading Dante.  I love him.  Reading his stuff makes me feel good.  Do you like Dante?  Do you like to read books about Hell and stuff?  I liked Helter Skelter.  Tha was a good book.  Do you like reading stuff like that about serial killers, murderers, and masterminds?  I like that kind of stuff."
• Do you like the beatles' song Helter Skelter?  I like Charles Manson.  He is interesting.  Did you that they are making a new documentary called Helter Skelter Secrets?  Well, it's not really a documentary, it is more of a movie.  It is going to be R or X.  X, you know like because it has a lot of sex in it.  I really want to see it.  I bet it is interesting.  It is only going to be in little theaters like that one we pass (an art house theater).  It will probably be like $20."
• "We've become good friends, you and I.  I like you."
• "Can we exchange phone numbers, so that I can call you sometimes?"
• "Oh, okay.  I understand.  We can just talk on the bus."

Bus Gump's Mixtape or Goosesteppin' with the Gump

First of all, please pray for Bus Gump's mom.  He told me that she is having surgery today because she has uteran cancer.  He said that she is having a hysterectomy.  Knowing Gump, this may or may not be true, but please pray for her regardless.  Maybe some good can come from his unknown fame.

At the Bus Stop
So Gump asks me if I'm going to read my book (A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin) on the bus today.
BG: "Is it a spy book?"
Me: "No."
BG: "What is it about?"
Me: "Dragons."
BG: "Oh I love dragons.  Are they good dragons or bad dragons?"
Me: "I don't know yet."
BG: "What is happening right now in your book?"
I honestly didn't know what to say.  It is the 5th book in this series.  If you have watched Game of Thrones" on HBO, this is the latest book in that series.  It is like walking up to someone who is watching the 5th season of Lost when you have never watched Lost and saying what is happening right now.
Me: "Well' it is the 5th book in the series so it is really hard to explain"
BG: "Can you write down a list of the books so I can get them at the library?"
Me: "Sure"

On the Bus
I give Gump his list.  About 5 minutes later, he asks if he can sit with me.  He tells me about his mom, and then tells me that he doesn't feel well today.  He has stomach issues and "That other issue I told you about".  He thinks it may be from worrying about his mom.  He is thinking about skipping school that he can relax and get his mind off of things.
Me: "Oh, are you going to the hospital to see your mom?"
BG: "No, I can't go over there"
Me: "Oh, I see."
BG: "Can you bring me some books to borrow?  Long books.  I like long books, because I like words."
Me: "Sure.  What kind of books?"
BG: "Just surprise me.  Do you listen to a lot of music?"
Me: "Some"
BG: "Can you copy me some music?"
He proceeds to ask me if I like everything from Metallica (Yes) to Hatebreed (No) to U2 (Yes) to Surf Nazis (No) to Disturbed (Yes) to Slayer (No) to Widespread Panic (Um, yes).  He finally gets to the German death metal band, Rammstein.  If you are unfamiliar with them, they sing in German and the lead singer lights himself on fire.  Needless to say, not my cup of tea.
BG: "They sing songs about Hitler and Jews."
He stands up and does the Heil Hitler salute and sings some German words!
Me: "Whoa, guy.  Take it easy."
BG: "A lot of Germans still like Hitler."
Me: "Not the ones I know."
BG: "Why do people hate Jews?"
Me: "I don't know, man."
BG: "Why did Hitler hate Jews?"
Me: "Not sure.  He was actually part Jewish on his Mom's side."
BG: "I heard that his mom gave him syphilis.  Maybe that is why he hates Jews."
Me: "I don't know, man."
BG: "Make sure you bring me that music and those books tomorrow"

Holy crap!  That was the most uncomfortable bus ride ever.  He was talking so loud.  Everyone on the bus was staring.  Even Angry Bus Guy thought it was inappropriate.  Anyway, pray for Bus Gump's mom, because let's face it, even if Gump is lying about the Cancer, that woman still needs our prayers!  I'm just sayin'.

So, what should I put on Bus Gump's mixtape?  Please give me ideas in the comments below.  Personally, I think he needs a heavy dose of John Tesh followed up with a Kenny G chaser.

Gas Prices

You can tell that gas prices are going up because the bus was packed this morning!  Well, it is either the gas prices, or everyone is riding the bus to see Bus Gump.  Speaking of Gump, he was walking down the row asking everyone if he could lay his seat back.  Everyone said no and he was getting pissed.  I guess the bus virgins share my hatred of the seat layers.

Holy Anal Product Ads Batman!

Okay, for the record, I have no control over which ads pop up on here.  I can only control the size and location of them.  I think it pulls keywords from my posts.  Thus all of the anal fissure and hemmorhoid ads that you see know.  So, in an effort to get better ads........

DONKEY, DWARF, MIDGET, MONKEY, MONKIES IN SUITS, BOOBS, CHIMPS, BABOON BUTT, TIJUANA, BOOTY, UNC FANS, RATTLESNAKES, CLOWN, OPRAH, COW, MONSTER TRUCKS, FLASH MOBS, CLAY AIKEN, BEV PURDUE, JOKER FACE, FURRIES, BEDROOM INTRUDER SONG, BUB RUB & LIL' SIS, KRISS KROSS, SHAKE WEIGHTS, ZAMFIR MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE, K TEL RECORDS, SLUSHIE MAGIC, YOSHI BLADE, TRUCKASAURUS, DRINKING MADE EASY, ZIMA, DRUNKEN MIDGETS, POOPER SCOOPER, CAT NIP, PARSLEY, BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT, PAJAMA JEANS, JEGGINGS, JORTS, CHIA PETS, ROTISSERIE GRILL, SNUGGY LINGERIE, AND THE YELLOW STORE OF SANFORD, NC (WINK WINK)

DONKEY, DWARF, MIDGET, MONKEY, MONKIES IN SUITS, BOOBS, CHIMPS, BABOON BUTT, TIJUANA, BOOTY, UNC FANS, RATTLESNAKES, CLOWN, OPRAH, COW, MONSTER TRUCKS, FLASH MOBS, CLAY AIKEN, BEV PURDUE, JOKER FACE, FURRIES, BEDROOM INTRUDER SONG, BUB RUB & LIL' SIS, KRISS KROSS, SHAKE WEIGHTS, ZAMFIR MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE, K TEL RECORDS, SLUSHIE MAGIC, YOSHI BLADE, TRUCKASAURUS, DRINKING MADE EASY, ZIMA, DRUNKEN MIDGETS, POOPER SCOOPER, CAT NIP, PARSLEY, BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT, PAJAMA JEANS, JEGGINGS, JORTS, CHIA PETS, ROTISSERIE GRILL, SNUGGY LINGERIE, AND THE YELLOW STORE OF SANFORD, NC (WINK WINK)

DONKEY, DWARF, MIDGET, MONKEY, MONKIES IN SUITS, BOOBS, CHIMPS, BABOON BUTT, TIJUANA, BOOTY, UNC FANS, RATTLESNAKES, CLOWN, OPRAH, COW, MONSTER TRUCKS, FLASH MOBS, CLAY AIKEN, BEV PURDUE, JOKER FACE, FURRIES, BEDROOM INTRUDER SONG, BUB RUB & LIL' SIS, KRISS KROSS, SHAKE WEIGHTS, ZAMFIR MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE, K TEL RECORDS, SLUSHIE MAGIC, YOSHI BLADE, TRUCKASAURUS, DRINKING MADE EASY, ZIMA, DRUNKEN MIDGETS, POOPER SCOOPER, CAT NIP, PARSLEY, BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT, PAJAMA JEANS, JEGGINGS, JORTS, CHIA PETS, ROTISSERIE GRILL, SNUGGY LINGERIE, AND THE YELLOW STORE OF SANFORD, NC (WINK WINK)

Bus Gump was wearing black sweat pants and a black hoody.  He says good to me, Frizzy Hair, and the Asian dude.  He then says, "I hope no one thinks I am a gangster."  I replied, "Yep.  I thought you were going to mug us.  You look like a gangbanger."
BG: "Not me.  Hey lady (Frizzy) give me that phone!  Just kidding.  I don't even have a gun."
<Frizzy laughs nervously>
BG: "I'm feeling really good today.  I've been in pain the past couple of weeks, but the past couple of days I've been feeling really good.  I'm having surgery.
Me: "On your leg?"  <He has a jacked up leg>
BG: "No.  I have a fissure."
Me: "Sorry to hear that."
BG: "Do you know what a fissure is?"
Me: "Honestly, no."
BG: "It is when you have really bad hemorrhoids and you get a tear in your anus, you know, a torn rectum.  It has happened before, but the doctor needs to go back in a sew my rectum.  I'm feeling really good today though.

ON THE BUS
BG talks to the kid seated across from him about Ozzy Osbourne and Metallica.  He turns to Frizzy.
BG: "I need tio change my musical behaviors.  I am going to start listening to Widespread Panic.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I wept.  Their song "All Time Low" just took on new meaning.

Angry Bus Guy gets on the bus grumbling.  When he gets beside me, he says,"Damn it all to Hell!" super loud.  As this was right after Bus Gump declared himself a 'Spread Head, I nodded in agreement.  Sometimes ABG says it best.

I swear this is the God's honest truth. Bus Gump got on the bus with a UNC hat and a Jordan Jumpman t-shirt today. I'm just sayin'.

bus gump is riding the afternoon bus next to an indian lady. He is ask 1 million ?s about India and says "I don't like Pakistan & Afghanistan. They are bad people. I like you guys though. I like you guys though. I like your food. I like the spicy stuff." Happy New Year little buddy.

 He also said to me, "I'd like to go to college to learn about Witches & Vampires. I'd like to meet Anne Rice. Take her to dinner and talk to her. I like witches better than vampires. Vampires are boring.". I'm pretty sure UNC has a degree in Witchcraft and Vampire Studies. It was Butch Davis' idea. Challenging curriculum for athletes.